THE AFFECTIONATE MAN (ACT ONE)

One morning LOU was sitting in the park ruminating on ( ACT ONE) and wondering how to disentangle himself from a script that had gone monstrously awry. After all, the story so far consisted of 27,908 pages of mostly degradation, misread cues, and mental and physical abuse.HOW UGLY YOU ARE HOW UGLY YOU ARE BEAT SMACK SMACK YOU ARE UGLY YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING! HOW DARE YOU INHABIT THIS EARTH and so on and so forth that to throw out the script as it were would amount to a total negation of his existence on the planet earth. and they say that in our life there are no second acts. maybe in someone else's life but not mine. Presently alarge a large balloon came sailing through the clouds and deposited all 27,908 pages of act one right at LOU'S feet leaving a trail of candy wrappers, used condoms, old photographs, demo cassettes, photographs of LOU as a young man, photographs of his long dead pets, photographs of his long dead friends, dead rock stars, dead wanna be rock stars he had once known, love letters to the one and only LOU(YES! LOVE LETTERS!) which were beautiful at one time but now only chronicled dead emotions, various FENDER and GIBSON guitars, handbills for various shows involving the one and only LOU at various locations around N.Y.C. long gone with the wind, and some beautiful long neglected articles of self made clothing which had been given away to various casual aquaintances in some futile grasp at friendship. In shock and horror LOU ducked under the bench for cover until all the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE noise that allllllll THIS JUNKKKKK made ceased. It sounded something like this:WAAAABABYBABYBABYWAAAANONONONONOFUCKMEILOVEYOUWAAAAAAAAAA! When all of the racket this ungodly pile made had ceased, LOU carefully and slowly crawled out from under the bench to view the spectacular if somewhat sobering spectacle that all of this garbage made that was now lying in front of him. HI! HI! HI! LOOK UP HERE! UP HERE! LOU looked up at the baloon still floating in the cloudless perfect blue gonna fuck-my-girlfriend-this-afternoon-i'm-such-a-young-stud sky. OH NO. WHY WHY ME, LOU cried as he gazed up at the baloon which was even more of a spectacle than his crazy life. WHY A GAY BALOON! WHY A GAY BALOON NO! NO! NO! LOU shrieked! But unfortunately for LOU the baloon was, indeed, the GAYEST BALOON EVER. It looked kind of like the baloon that the WIZARD OF OZ floated away in at the end of the movie only gayer. It was festooned with rainbow flags, love lube, poppers, tinsel, cock rings, dildos, old copies of AFTER DARK and DADDY magazine, gay porno video boxes, red, yellow, robins-egg-blue-and brown bandannas, black leather man thongs(yikes), old Stephen Sondheim musical cast album record covers, Cher dolls, and touchingly, dozens of old grimy pairs of black leather pants and motorcycle boots hanging from beneath the gondola. Across the baloon's center huge red letters screamed:CRISCO. From inside the gondola a tiny shirtless man with an unkempt afro waved and smiled."LOU! I'TS ME! REMEMBER? From inside his jacket pocket LOU pulled out his gold granny glasses with the purple lenses and trained his eyes upon this gay train wreck. Then it all came crashing back at once to LOU like a BAD HANGOVER after a SUNDAY NIGHT at MANITOBA'S. remember lou?it was one night at the st.marks baths this tiny nude man came into your room and said,I've been watching you since you got here i think youre just the most handsomest cutest man your'e so adorable can i stroke your feet while i jerk off in the cornerOH NO THANKS I'TS OK said lou quickly pulling his feet away. PLEASE! shrieked the tiny man. PLEASE! TWEAK MY NIPPLES! NO! GO HOME!yelled LOU, disturbed at the sudden colorful reappearance of this gay nightmare.But just then LOU had a delicious idea.COME DOWN!I'LL TWEAK YOUR NIPPLES! LOU yelled up to the floating embarrasment. OH YEA BABY! the little man shrieked. IM COMING! IM COMING DOWN! he yelled,more than a little lasciviously. HERE I COME! LOU watched in obvious delight as the tiny man straddled the gondola,distressingly, nude. This is the sound he made as he jumped off the side and sailed down: IWILLSURVIVEIWILLSURVIVESOMANYMENSOLITTLETIMEINEEDAMANWAAAAAAA!SPLATTTTTT! LOU slowly inched his eyes downward to the ground to observe a tiny puddle coagulating on the grass. This is the sound IT made:BLUUUURGGGNIPNIPNIPGURGGLEGUrRRRRRRRRRBURBLUBURBLE! Among the various and sundry objects of LOU'S life lying on the grass was an old DEAD BOYS album YOUNG LOUD AND SNOTTY.Shuddering, LOU picked it up and laid it over what was left of the tiny man.Then it made a different sound:HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Feeling relieved at having rid himself of this ancient annoyance, LOU cast his eyes around the antediluvian junk pile till they came to rest on an old photograph of his late gay friend,DOUG ROWE. Fondly, LOU recalled all the great blow jobs he used to get from him and how satisfying they were.LOU!LOU! LOU watched unbelievingly as the photograph stood bolt upright in the grass and started speaking to him! LOU! I'TS ME!DOUG! DOUG! OH MY GOD DOUG! LOU retorted. BUT DOUG! YOUR'E NOT HERE ANYMORE! YOUR'E DEAD! YEA!I KNOW! DOUG said. I SHOULDN'T HAVE FUCKED AROUND WITH THAT ACTOR BRAD DAVIS! YES DOUG!LOU said.I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM THAT CRAZY FAG! IF YOU HAD DECIDED TO STAY WITH ME AND BE MY BOYFRIEND YOU"D PROBABLY BE FAT AND HAPPY, I'D STILL LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND YOU'D PROBABLY STILL BE ALIVE!!! DOUG suddenly became very quiet and cast his eyes downward.He always did have the prettiest blue eyes but unfortunately it was a black and white photograph. DOUGLAS! LOU said. DON'T BE SAD! remember when you chased me down Madison Ave. in 1981 and gave me that GREAT BLOW JOB in that parking lot in SOHO? REMEMBER DOUG? DOUG looked up and smiled wanly.He always did have the sweetest, most boyish smile. YEA LOU, I DO Doug said. I COUDN'T HELP MYSELF. YOU WERE ALWAYS SUCH A HOTTIE.I REALLY REALLY LIKED YOU. OH DUGGIE! LOU said. Duggie was LOU'S pet name for him in their intimate moments, like when they would go to the movies and rest their hands on each other's knees in the dark.LOU kneeled in front of Doug's photograph and started to cry.DUGGIE!LOU shrieked.I WANT YOU! I MISS YOU! I WANT TO HOLD YOU LIKE I USED TO! WHERE ARE YOU? DOUG looked straight back at LOU. LOU looked straight back at DOUG.LOU could almost swear that he could see the clear blue light in DOUG'S eyes again.LOU,DOUG said. I'M RIGHT HERE. I'M VERY CLOSE. I'M SO CLOSE THAT YOU COULD KISS ME AGAIN IF YOU WANTED TO. WANNA? Without even replying LOU pulled the photograph up to his face and kissed it. Immediately LOU felt the WARMTH, SATISFACTION, TENDERNESS, SENSUALITY,MASCULINITY, and COURAGE of DOUG'S 36 years on this plane and embraced it tightly, not wanting to let it go, and buried his face within all of the foolishness, emotionalism, bad decisions, and rotten luck that was DOUGLAS.(END OF ACT ONE)